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Enlightenment or ramblings?

I am the most pathetic blogger! Jay Lake used to despair of me, and strongly encouraged (nagged) me into writing more regularly. So in respect for the one year anniversary since his death from cancer, I'll at least try to catch you up from where I left off last.

The trouble with blogging and me is that I'm okay sharing the fun and eccentric things that happen in my life. And of those there are plenty; I seem to attract them! But once things take a personal turn, I clam up. Jay had no compunction about this. He shared his deepest thoughts and emotions right up until the very end. He told me I'd find it cathartic if I did the same.

Since my (temporary) death in 2012 I have learned so much about living. And about myself. The Graves' Disease forced me to make vastly better choices than I ever had before. Before, I was living my life for other people. Always saying to myself, "Okay, I just need to [-fill-in-the-blank-] first, and then I'll be able to write/relax/be free/think/be/live/gain happiness etc." It was only after I came through the ordeal that I learned to say no and try to put myself first. I wasn't great at it in the beginning, and know that I must have hurt and bewildered a number of people. I do regret that, but can't change the past.

This year I've had even more blindingly bright revelations about living. Sometimes, (being fanciful, here) I fear I'm close to extinction, because this feels a lot like enlightenment! But I don't think I've ever seen things so clearly.

What things? you ask.

Life things. My life. How people relate to me, past and present. What is unacceptable to me, such as disrespect, and whether I have the courage to do something about it. Also, my hopes from whatever future life is left to me. I think I'm standing at the proverbial crossroads, or perhaps at Robert Frost's two roads diverging in the yellow wood.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
danjite
Jul. 7th, 2015 09:47 am (UTC)
Waiting to read more...

:)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )